apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
