An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
