Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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