he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
