Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
