3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
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Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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