4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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