I checked into jail on foursquare
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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