U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
