you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
