I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
