Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
are you so shy because you have an std?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
