it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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