Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
