Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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