I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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