Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
