I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize