Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
