Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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