Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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