You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
