Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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