so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
