is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
