we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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