I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i will never coherently bang her
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
