I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
