Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
