32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
