i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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