I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
