Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
