I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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