He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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