I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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