If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
