One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
