I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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