Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
