Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
