So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
