It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
