I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
