I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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