at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
