just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
