I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
