he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
