I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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