the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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