I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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