My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
