Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
