When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
