I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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